Mindset shifts.

After a conversation with one of my exes* earlier today, I realized that I need to up my hustle on non-massage matters. So I am digging out my old copy of Leonie Dawson’s Biz & Blog Star Workshop** and combing through that in the next week. This blog may change, or it just may get coated in multiple posts.

I’ll post a review in the next few weeks at least to say what I’ve gotten out of it and see if I actually recommend it or not (I’m sure I’m not the only one who downloads things that just stack up in the Downloads folder and never actually get used ;)).

And yeah, that’s about it, I’ve got a lot of work to do, so there’s no time to waste.


*If you can work it, I find exes make great-yet-distant friends. They have seen my best and worst, and even though things didn’t work out, they still like me.
**Leonie’s Shining Academy is closing to new members at the end of the month so if you want in on her genius, I’d jump on it quick!

Your First Bikram Yoga Class

I am trying to convince myself to go back to Bikram and convinced a friend of mine to try it for the first time. This post is everything I want to remember to tell my friend to set her up for a successful first time.

  • In class: you’ll be down to a sports bra and booty shorts. Literally all the ladies wear this, even if they are out of shape or fat. Outside of class, I layer regular yoga class clothes over my in-class outfit.
  • The night before class: fill two plastic water bottles halfway with water, then lay them sideways in the freezer, the next morning, fill the rest of the way with water. Because the water will reach room temperature and 100+ degree water is gross even when you need it. For the love, do not use a metal water bottle. If you don’t have a plastic water bottle, put down the environmental activist sword you’re dying on and go to 7-11 where you can get Deer Park liters for 2 for $2.
  • Bring your own yoga mat. I use a Jade Harmony (74″ midnight blue if you must know ;)).
    • There will an option to rent a mat from the studio, but I always feel more confident in the cleanliness of what I take care of myself. With the Jade Harmony, it’s made of rubber, so I literally take it into the shower to wash the sweat off and leave it on the balcony for a couple hours to dry.
  • Bring a large towel. If you don’t have a fancy yoga towel (I certainly didn’t until I got one in a recent subscription box), use a beach towel. The goal is to cover the yoga mat. Because you will sweat in places you didn’t know you had sweat glands, and you don’t want to be slipping on sweaty mat, and you don’t want to lay in your own puddles during savasana.
    • Again, you will probably have the option to rent a towel or two at the studio. Again, I prefer my own + the yoga towels I’ve seen have been heavily bleached, and that’s going to be too itchy-scratchy for my sensitive skin (do I act like a princess? No. Do I treat my skin like I’m one? Yessssss.)
  • Leave as much as possible at home. I didn’t always have this choice since I was hitting the studio usually after work, but since a studio has opened near my home, I’ll be treating it like I treat the gym. Which means I leave the house with only my license, an in-case-of-emergency credit card, and phones. The cards stay in my car (out of sight, of course), the phones and keys come in with me, but stay in my yoga mat bag. There probably won’t be lockers, just cubbies and the less you bring, the less anyone can screw up their karma by taking it. Because for all the yoga/hippie/woo in the studio, the reality is that, yes, even thieves go to Bikram.
    • Special note to those who wear jewelry: take it all off, even the stuff you always wear and usually forget to take off during a massage. Moist heat (+ drowning in your sweat) is nothing kind to jewelry of any sort. Look in a mirror. Do not forget that thin chain around your neck or your wedding/engagement ring(s) or … well, if you want to wear a red string around your wrist, that’s probably okay. But hey! That fitness tracker has got to go! And by go, I mean stay home and wait faithfully in the kitchen (heh). You might miss 100 steps walking to/from the car/gym, but I’m sure you’d agree its better to miss those than to lose your tracker at the studio.

Since you end in savasana and can basically lay there until the next class starts, recovery from class is pretty simple, exit the hot room, adjust to “normal room temperature,” and either layer on outside clothes to go home to shower, or use the shower at the studio (this has been the norm at the studios I’ve been to/overheard being discussed, but it may be that your studio doesn’t have showers. Yikes, those poor yoga-before-work people!) before redressing and heading out. I generally opt to throw on a shirt, pants over booty shorts optional (I have reached the age of “Idgaf if you don’t like my body size”), stuff everything back into the mat bag, and head home for a long, great shower in my own home. With my yoga mat. 😀

Despite my boredom with the 26+2 moving meditation (and my inability to do the last third of the class due to my low blood pressure), I always feel fantastic after class. It’s almost enough to keep me coming back.

(All Amazon links are affiliate links, and open in a new window! Something for me, something for you. ;))


Today I took the last of my weaning-off dosage of Vyvanse, the ADHD/binge eating disorder medication. I started taking Vyvanse in late January/early February. So it’s been about six months.


The first side effect I noticed from Vyvanse was dry mouth, which was obvious in the first day. Since I preach hydration to my massage clients, I figured it was an opportunity to practice what I preach.

Then, in early May, I’m watching Hulu,* and one of their looping commercials is a product that treats dry mouth, which also causes bad breath. Pretty sure I actually gasped, because I had NO idea, and my first thought was: THAT’S FOUR MONTHS OF CLIENTS AND THREE DATES. [whenever a headdesk/facepalm emoji is created, I’ll insert that here.]

I mean, as a massage therapist, I’m all about having mints on me, but this year I’ve been loving the tropical flavor of Tic Tacs (they’re the red/orange/yellow/green ones) so I haven’t even been using my usual Altoids. So I’m horrified and so tempted to randomly email/text every client I’ve seen this year to apologize for my potentially terrible breath. Would that be crazy? I’m afraid that would seem crazy, so I don’t. I just cringe any time I think of any of my clients, double up on my Altoids game, and whisper my little curse** whenever I thought of the guys I’d met before I knew that I probably had serious halitosis.


The second side effect that I noticed and dismissed was that I was running warmer than I usually do. I normally get cold very easily. I always take a sweater into a restaurant or the movies with me. This winter and early spring, I never needed it. Huh, that’s kind of nice actually, okay. I let it go.


The third side effect I noticed and dismissed was that I was way more forgetful than usual. This year, I have left bottles of oil, essential oils, my Fitbit (twice!), and iPad stands*** in various client homes. I’m generally super on top of this sort of thing as it’s just really unprofessional to lose the stuff you need to do your job. I’d also lose track of conversations while in the middle of speaking, leave important things at home, etc. I’d joke with clients about how I was on a new ADHD drug, I was already a space case, it shouldn’t be making that worse.


The fourth side effect I noticed and dismissed was an increase in road rage. As in, I’d find myself overreacting to annoying drivers, yelling myself hoarse, cursing people for way too long. Like I’d be yelling for a good 15 seconds before I realized that I was yelling, I would be bitching about what awful people they were while wondering why I couldn’t just let this go already. But I thought maybe it was just a few over-the-top terrible encounters.


I dismissed all the side effects because I really wanted Vyvanse to work. I mean, it was working. I’ve gotten a lot done this year. I’m actually completing online courses, which is huge in the ADHD world, I’m doubling and hoping to triple my business this year, I am actually blogging here. I didn’t want to stop taking it and lose all the momentum.

I’m also down about eight pounds since May, which is pretty remarkable. It’s not more because I am still trying to manage/destroy the psychological side of why I (re)gain weight. And okay, by the end of the night, when I am most prone to binging, it’s pretty much gone. But still, I wanted to stay on Vyvanse because I’m afraid of regaining/falling back into my previous binging habit without it.

Not gonna lie, I have a couple Facebook friends who have had weight loss surgery, and one who has lost a significant amount by switching to a keto diet and all three have posted body updates recently. While I am happy for them, I’m also a little jealous, and a little sad for me that I am still dealing with this excessive weight. I am being stern with reminding myself though that if I had weight loss surgery or used a radical diet,**** to drop a lot of weight quickly (within a year), I would not be able to maintain that loss if I did not change how my brain works first. Once I am confident in my improved, not-food-based coping methods and my improved what’s-best-for-my-body-even-when-I’m-stressed food choices, I may try something to lose weight faster than the slow and steady that’s been happening this year.


So now it’s summer, I had to start drinking Gatorade at least every other day to keep up with my dry mouth/thirst. Any day over 85, I’m pretty much sweating from the minute I leave my house to the minute I’m back inside. The forgetfulness somewhat abated/mostly showed up in conversations, which is not a good way to make a first impression. Between construction/paving/tourists, I started losing my shit on the road almost daily and realizing that I was just generally on edge all the time.


That last part is what prompted me to email my doctor about getting off of Vyvanse. As bad as everything has been, I feel like maybe I have just generally been more easily irritated all year. I noticed it when dealing with some customer service issues with my clients. Minor issues that I would normally brush off were really getting under my skin. Like, I thought maybe it was just that I’ve been doing this for so long that I expect better, or maybe I was becoming a diva? But I had to bite my tongue a few times, and if we’ve ever met, you know I don’t have a poker face, so I’m wondering if I have maybe been less kind and accommodating than I normally would have been. That makes me a little sad. And tempts me again to contact all my clients since January to apologize but that again seems weird, so I haven’t. Sigh.

I don’t want to snap at clients or alienate anyone (even if they are terrible drivers ;)), so I knew Vyvanse had to go.


Thing is, aside from the dry mouth, none of my side effects are on the official list. There’s irritability but my rage is way beyond that. There’s an increase in heart rate but according to my Fitbit, my heart rate is lower than it was before I started taking it, so maybe my heart is slower but my blood is slightly boiling which is why I am overheating? The forgetfulness has nothing I can remotely stretch to relate to it. Thankfully, on other unofficial sites, I can find other people who have had similar/the same issues.


Honestly, aside from Vyvanse, the only thing I’ve regularly incorporated into my daily diet this year is Vitamin D.***** So it can only be from that.

I do think Vyanse is helpful and it’s a good drug. It’s just not a sustainable one for me. :\

While I could have minor withdrawl symptoms over the next few days, I am looking forward to cooler, calmer, less forgetful, hydrating-because-I-wanna-not-because-I’m-always-parched days. 🙂




*I watch the Daily Show the following day on Hulu, otherwise I wouldn’t bother with it. The streaming is terrible and the commercials are redundant.

**My curse is “remember the good,” which is how I curse everyone I go out with who I’ve ever thought about a second or third time. There is no denying that I have my awkward moments or that some of my jokes fall flat, so I prefer that I’m remembered by all the moments I was graceful, cute, charming, funny, and other pleasant adjectives.

***My iPad stand is the IKEA $1.99 version. When I discovered it, I bought 5 because I figured I’d leave that somewhere. This is the one thing I don’t sweat losing, especially since I live <5 miles from IKEA.

****While sure, keto can be sustainable on its own, it’s still a radical diet change for most people. Let’s not debate nuances.

*****Okay, so in addition to having super low blood pressure all the time, I also had very abnormally low levels of Vitamin D. I’m super pale and avoid the sun like it can burn me and give me cancer, because that is exactly what it does and can do. I’m happy with my supplements.

On social media.

In my first post here, I think, I referenced my twitter that I had made private. Well, thanks to tweetdelete and the frustration of only being able to communicate with the people in my feed, I made my twitter public again. I’m not linking to it directly as it’s both really easy to find, and I’d like to first warn you that that’s where I try to keep my politics.

As an intersectional feminist, I lean left pretty hard. And while I’m admitting to being a feminist, I feel compelled to say that I don’t hate men, and I am not trying to be superior to men. I would like us all to be equal. If you find my twitter, you’ll notice the deliberate period between “bleeding heart” and “liberal” – I have more than my fair share of empathy and I rage/grieve/cry for everyone, I love everyone, I want us all to win, I want everything to be fair and just, and twitter is where I whine about it (ahem, mostly through reposting as other people are more eloquent than I am when I am in my emo).


I also periodically snark about dating, list website edits/ad postings/various business things that I am doing (Idk, I don’t have a boss, so I guess it’s just letting someone/anyone know that I am actually doing All The Things?), repost cute animals, and spew random thoughts occasionally.


Like this site, my social media is not a reflection of the work that I do. I very specifically try to avoid discussing politics with clients as it’s not at all conducive to relaxation. I don’t really care which way you lean politically, that’s not what I’m there for.


My work is my passion but it is only one part of my life.

Pay no attention to this post.

Because it’s literally a list of colored pencils I own so that when I am in an art store, I can pull it up easily and not buy duplicates.

Verithin, the 36 pack:

  • Neutrals
    • 734 White
    • 734 1/2 Warm Grey
    • 746 Dark Brown
    • 747 Black
    • 747 1/2 Cool Grey
    • 753 Metallic Silver
    • 754 Metallic Gold
    • 756 Dark Umber
  • Greens
    • 735 Grass Green
    • 738 1/2 Apple Green
    • 739 Peacock Green
    • 739 1/2 Olive Green
    • 751 True Green
  • Yellows
    • 735 Canary Yellow
    • 735 1/2 Lemon Yellow
  • Oranges
    • 736 Spanish Orange
    • 736 1/2 Pumpkin Orange
    • 737 Orange
    • 750 Pale Vermillion
    • 755 Goldenrod
    • 757 Peach
  • Reds
    • 743 1/2 Process Red
    • 744 Poppy Red
    • 745 Crimson Red
    • 745 1/2 Terra Cotta
    • 746 1/2 Tuscan Red
  • Blues
    • 737 1/2 Aquamarine
    • 740 Ultramarine
    • 740 1/2 Peacock Blue
    • 741 Indigo Blue
    • 741 1/2 Light Cerulean Blue
    • 758 True Blue
  • Purples/Pinks
    • 742 Violet
    • 742 1/2 Parma Violet
    • 743 Deco Pink
    • 752 Dahlia Purple

Regular 24

  • Neutrals
    • 935 Black
    • 938 White
    • 945 Sienna Brown
    • 946 Dark Brown
  • Reds
    • 922 Poppy Red
    • 924 Crimson Red
    • 937 Tuscan Red
  • Oranges
    • 939 Peach
    • 948 Orange
    • 1003 Spanish Orange
    • 1034 Goldenrod
  • Yellows
    • 916 Canary Yellow
  • Greens
    • 908 Dark Green
    • 909 Grass Green
    • 910 True Green
    • 912 Apple Green
  • Blues
    • 901 Indigo Blue
    • 903 True Blue
    • 904 Light Cerulean Blue
    • 933 Violet Blue
  • Purples/Pinks
    • 929 Pink
    • 932 Violet
    • 995 Mulberry
    • One unmarked deep Lavenderish shade (maybe Parma Violet)

Loose, Premium

  • Reds
    • PC923 Scarlet Lake
    • PC926 Carmine Red
  • Orange/Yellow
    • PC917 Sunburst Yellow
    • PC1002 Yellowed Orange
    • PC1012 Jasmine
  • Greens
    • PC989 Chartreuse
    • PC992 Light Aqua
  • Blues
    • PC906 Copenhagen Blue
    • PC919 Non-Photo Blue
    • PC1023 Cloud Blue
  • Purples
    • PC931 Dark Purple
    • PC934 Lavender


I’ve tried to write this a half-dozen times. Here’s short version since it’s late and I need to go to bed.

I’m bisexual and I feel like I am constantly walking out of the closet since most people read me as hetero.

The mass murder in Orlando on Sunday morning has left me feeling broken and deeply sad.

I’m not an ally of the LGBTQ community, I’m in it. In the quiet section in the back since bisexuals aren’t well-regarded (they say that we won’t commit or are more likely to cheat or aren’t as committed to the community since we also have a foot in the straight world).

The mass murder in Orlando on Sunday morning has left me feeling alone.

When the posts rolled in about the call for blood for the surviving victims, I dropped my head and scrolled on. I have dated bisexual men, so as a woman who has had sex with men who have had sex with men, I am banned for life from donating blood.* My straight self prevented my gay self from helping my community.

The mass murder in Orlando on Sunday morning has left me feeling shame.

I haven’t read about the victims yet. Just seeing posts about the lists of names and the tweets with pictures causes tears to fall. I am on Facebook obsessively, while wanting to avoid it entirely. When I read too much, my head just aches. So I alternate Facebook with marathoning TV shows I’d been meaning to watch this year.

The mass murder in Orlando on Sunday morning has left me (wanting to be) feeling numb.

I was stoked when my Q friend tweeted that large rainbow flags were sold out/out of stock on Amazon. A B friend’s hunt for rainbow gradient yarn had me hunting the same on Etsy and my fave online yarn store. Given my rarely used and tiny outdoor space and my wool allergy (which eliminates a LOT of handpainted/verigated/gradient yarns), I ultimately ordered a t-shirt whose proceeds would be donated to charity to help in Orlando.

The mass murder in Orlando on Sunday morning has left me in need of retail therapy, and then with the barrage of guilt that follows tragedy-based shopping.

I research, it’s what I do. It’s why I can’t stop reading these posts that drive me tears and actual, out loud sobbing. I am the subject I know best, so as I read about this club and what happened (and I will eventually get to the names to match with the photos of the victims), I start wondering how long it’s been since I’ve been out dancing (too long), since I’ve been out dancing at a gay club (way too long), how long it’s been since I tried to interact with the community as a whole (sigh). I start questioning where exactly I fall on the Kinsey scale and if my feelings are even valid (of course they are). I wonder if I should try harder to appear less straight (how does that even work). I wonder if I should just try to add more rainbows to my daily life. I wonder if I should just further shove this aspect of my life out of sight; most people think I’m straight, maybe I should just pretend to be.

The mass murder in Orlando on Sunday has left me questioning the role of my sexual identity in my life.

This event has shadowed my week and has pulled all sorts of threads. I am not sure I’m done processing it. Definitely not done grieving it. 103 victims; 50 dead, 53 wounded. I don’t think I’ll ever forget it.

Even when your heels hurt, and you can feel the blisters forming, and that one spacially-unaware chick’s purse keeps hitting you, and your crush isn’t texting you back (fast enough), and your drink spills, and all else, there’s so much joy on a dance floor. There’s so much joy in dancing, eye candy, eye flirting, meeting new people, when your crush shows up, kissing new people, finding new favorite songs, making up silly toasts, reveling in old favorites, and all else. There is this delicious, peaceful-yet-powerful, safe feeling when these things happen in a gay club.

The mass murder in Orlando on Sunday morning has stepped all over my hope.


Posts to remember:
LaMonte M. Fowler from February 22nd: https://www.facebook.com/lamontemfowler/posts/1212356505441639
Jen Hatmaker on June 14: https://www.facebook.com/permalink.php?story_fbid=977219679043694&id=203920953040241

*While the FDA has altered the lifetime ban to 12 months of abstinence, afaik, that’s not yet an option in my area.

How to kill sugar cravings.

So before I give you these answers, I’m going to share this story from about 2002. I thought it’d be cool to go see a naturopath who had listed allergies and adhd as issues she treated. Pretty much from the moment she saw me, she was insistent that I had an overgrowth of yeast in my system. She recommended The Yeast Connection Handbook (mine was the less attractive 2001 version). I read it, it seemed like the answers to all my problems. The hinderance is that the diet in the book is essentially meat, vegetables, and beans.* Which is hella boring.

So I was looking for other ways to eat less sugar and stumbled my way into these supplements. They are definitely super helpful. As I share them, remember that I am not a doctor, I’m not even a naturopath. Do not substitute anything in this post for medical advice. Or legal advice. Or general life advice. Always follow label direction. Do your own research. Use your common sense. I’m not liable for your actions.

Oh yeah, so the reason I want to kill sugar in my body is because that’s what yeast eats. So, your intestines are pretty gross. They are full of things like yeast, sugar, tons of bacteria, and who knows what else. Yeast needs sugar to live. So when you eat less sugar, yeast will drive the cravings for sugar because hey, it’s just trying to survive. Kill the yeast, kill the sugar, kill the cravings.

Oh, right, so taking these supplements may alter your bathroom activities as they all effect your intestines. Bodies are unique and weird,  I have no idea what yours might do, and pretty please don’t share these details with me.

Olive Leaf** – yeast murderer!*** Hero.

Caprylic Acid – yeast murderer! Hero the 2nd. Part of coconut oil.

L-Glutamine – intestinal repair people, secondary casting, never given enough credit. Yes, it’s the amino acid that’s part of protein. It’s great for muscles, blah blah blah. It is important today because yeast is terrible and damages the body and l-glutamine is the person you call when you evict yeast and have a look around after its gone. Because yeast is definitely not getting their damage deposit back.

Digestive Enzymes – the good kids used in all the examples. minor casting. they help restore the intestine to where they should have been all along, if only yeast had never shown up and tried to take over.

Now I use an enzyme formula from my essential oil company so I linked to one I’ve used in the past. If you want in on what I use currently, just send an email to everyoil@melissarocks.com – I solemnly swear to only ever send one email in reply (unless you have questions, which I’m happy to answer), and I will never share your email with anyone. Because that’s the kind of girl I am, totally selfish with email addresses.

For funsies, I also add probiotics to the list as well. Because I want to fill my gross intestines with healthy flora so there’s less room for the bad ish. I actually prefer to buy these in store from whatever natural/healthy food store that keeps them in at least a refridgerated case. Live, good bacteria, live!

The list of supplements I share the other day is one of things I’m trying or going to try shortly. This list is all stuff I’ve used before successfully. If you have questions about them, fire away. I hope its helpful to you.

*Ironically, this is also the basic diet in the 4-Hour Body, which I’ve done a few times and adored the results. However, back in the day, it was an unrealistic horror show.

**All Amazon links are affiliate links because I too would like to be a blogger posting from Tahiti. For your convenience, they all open in their own tab. They are for the most part exactly what I use.

***Read yeast murderer as anti-fungal. I like to play with the English language.

Supplements for insulin & IGF-1 function, fat loss

For me, I’m specifically interested in natural ways to help my body perform optimally. As I research things, I think I will probably start posting them since I’m not the only one who is interested in these topics. Also, this makes them easier for me to find when I need to revisit them. 😉 Affiliate Amazon links because I like money and you might want the instant gratification of immediately finding a source. For the most part, I selected supplement brands I’ve used successfully in the past.

NOTE: I’m not a doctor, this is not medical advice. It is also not legal advice. Do not take it as such. Do your own research, follow label directions. Do not use in place of common sense. Talk to your doctor before doing anything based on anything you’ve found on the internet, including this post. I am not liable for your actions.

My goals are less about specifically fat burning (but hey, I don’t mind a little of that action!), and more about increasing satiety and decreasing sugar cravings.

African Mango Seed Extract – increases leptin, one of the satiety hormones. For me, leptin = <3.

Chromium Picolinate – 1,000mcg – improves insulin’s efficiency.

Cinnamon – helps modulate blood sugar (always look for Ceylon cinnamon as it has the lowest levels of coumarin (which in high doses can cause liver failure))

Forskolin – little helper with fat burning (start of a long process)

Green Coffee Bean Extract – lowers blood sugar (who knows, Dr Oz may have gotten something right)

Rhodiola rosea – decreases the stress hormone cortisol, which likes to shove all fat in the belly area.

I know everyone loves to go on about raspberry ketones, but from what I’ve found, you’d need like literal tons of it to be effective in humans. But hey, good job with the rats.

I know green tea/egcg is also hella popular but it’s not been very effective with me in the past so idgaf about finding a supplement for it. And I say that as a person who adores green tea. If you’re looking to drink green tea, Honest Tea Honey Green Tea is my fave. If you want to brew it, go to Wegman’s and scoop some sakura sencha (those are dried cherry blossoms, you’re welcome).

On weight.

In my adult life, I have primarily vacillated between two ends of a 30-pound spectrum. And while even at the low end of my weight spectrum, I am still overweight. I have worked with trainers, I have tried all the diets. I have done 5Ks, a half-marathon, P90X, bootcamp-style gym class, custom designed training plans, yoga, Pilates, and there was a year when I walked at least 10 miles every week. That’s when my weight reached its ultimate low point (10mi/wk), which I have not seen since. Basically, despite all my weight, I’ve never not had some sort of athletic pursuit in my life.

The highest my weight has ever been was just recently, November 2015-January 2016. It was ten pounds north of the high end of my weight spectrum. Very uncomfortable and more than a little frightening.

Let me explain.  So the last big athletic thing I did was work with a remote trainer* who designed weight lifting programs and monthly diets for me starting in May 2014. Over the course of our time together, the trainer introduced intermittent fasting and cheat days followed by fasting days. The end of our contract coordinated with that holiday season so I was doing more cheating-fasting combos then probably recommended.

Sometime in January 2015, I noticed that I never felt full. Like, ever, at all. I was chronically starving. It was insane. I could sit down, eat a full meal, feel physically full and still feel like I needed to eat. There were times I felt like I was literally full to the esophageal sphincter, which is very uncomfortable, and I’d still want more food. It was kind of horrifying actually. So over twitter, in February, I asked my trainer about it (I deleted half the conversation because I was embarrassed to admit most of what I said, and my recent ex-roommate had a penchant for twitter trolling/stalking and that’s definitely not ammo I wanted him to have so that’s the night that I also switched my twitter to private). The end of the advice that he gave me to try 5-HTP (it made me sleepy :\) and to do longer fasting periods.

The most helpful thing with that was eating more whole foods, less sugar (part of the massive hunger waves was specific desires for as many calories as possible, so that’s a lot of junk food). I slowly developed satiety sensations again.

Still, my weight continued to increase. In July I wrote in my LiveJournal that I was going to go to the doctors in January when I had health insurance again,*** because I didn’t understand why my body was doing the opposite of what it should be doing. In November, I wrote about how uncomfortable I was in my body at this size.

While I addressed my concern over my weight, I can’t find anywhere I may have noted when I figured out that I had developed a binge eating habit. I mean, sure, yeah, I emotionally eat during breakups and have had those “oh, girl, I get you” conversations with grocery store cashiers on a monthly basis, but I don’t think I truly had seriously disordered eating until last year. I’m certain it was between July and November that I finally figured out that I was gaining weight because I’d eat candy and donuts and cookies several times a week. Usually, I’d stop at 7-11 after my last client on my way home. Sometimes I’d just pick up extra food while at the grocery store. To be clear, I didn’t make this connection sooner because these were not conscious, well-thought out decisions to buy and eat several thousand calories worth of junk food several times per week.

In my research on binge eating, I noticed that the medication recommended for binge eating is also a medication for ADHD, which I was originally diagnosed with in 1999, but have had my entire life. There is also some correlation between binge eating and ADHD (impulsivity, mindless activity, hyperfocus).  So after getting health insurance again, I went and jumped through all the hoops to get on this medication.

It is mostly a super expensive appetite suppressant. So lately I have been thinking about how I will probably need to be on an appetite suppressant for the rest of my life. It’s probably the only way I will ever lose weight again, it’s probably the only way I will ever maintain any weight loss.

Because I have realized that this isn’t the first time I have regained all the weight I’ve lost. I’ve lost these 30 pounds probably at least 5 times in my adult life. It always comes back because I cannot deal with the incessant hunger that nags at me when I reach the low end of my weight spectrum.

And then today, all over Facebook is this article, After ‘The Biggest Loser,’ Their Bodies Fought to Regain Weight. Despite the clickbait title, despite the first part of the article being about a sample size of six people, it actually addresses these exact things.

“What was surprising was what a coordinated effect it is,” Dr. Proietto said. “The body puts multiple mechanisms in place to get you back to your weight. The only way to maintain weight loss is to be hungry all the time. We desperately need agents that will suppress hunger and that are safe with long-term use.”

This is me, this is what I’ve been thinking about. I like the medication that I’m on, but it’s expensive, and maybe just taking some form of appetite suppressant from the drug store would be just as effective. Is it safe to use appetite suppressants for the rest of my life? Is this one of those things where I just don’t care because I prefer to not be ravenously hungry all the time? Probably.

Then, there is also this, from earlier in the same article:

It has to do with resting metabolism, which determines how many calories a person burns when at rest. When the show began, the contestants, though hugely overweight, had normal metabolisms for their size, meaning they were burning a normal number of calories for people of their weight. When it ended, their metabolisms had slowed radically and their bodies were not burning enough calories to maintain their thinner sizes.

Researchers knew that just about anyone who deliberately loses weight — even if they start at a normal weight or even underweight — will have a slower metabolism when the diet ends. So they were not surprised to see that “The Biggest Loser” contestants had slow metabolisms when the show ended.

What shocked the researchers was what happened next: As the years went by and the numbers on the scale climbed, the contestants’ metabolisms did not recover. They became even slower, and the pounds kept piling on. It was as if their bodies were intensifying their effort to pull the contestants back to their original weight.

Since I’ve gained and lost these 30 pounds (and some of their friends) over and over again, I confess to being concerned about the speed of my metabolism. Some of the contestants have to eat 450-800 calories less than someone of an identical size and age because anything more than that will just turn to fat. If this is a thyroid hormone test, then I’m fine; that’s one of the things my doctor had tested when I had my physical earlier this year. If it’s something else, I should explore that more.

I love this article because it makes me feel less crazy about the things I’ve been thinking about my body. And by less crazy, I mean exactly spot on. I hate this article because these are not comforting facts and it sucks that there is only so much you can do with a body that is so insistent on getting its weight back, and I really don’t want to struggle with my weight for the entire remainder of my life. Overall, still, 9/10, definitely recommend that everyone reads it.

Oh, and I’ve lost the overage and am just under the high end of my weight spectrum (specifically, I’ve lost about 13 of the 40 pounds I gained from my 2014 low). I’m eating less thanks to modern medicine, and eating a spinach based salad to help my allergies as daily as possible (probably a separate post). I’m not currently working out (also a whole other post), but I do really miss it.




* Why a remote trainer? Because the in-person personal trainers I’d directly hired have all hit on me, which as an overweight person is quite the mindfuck, given how most of society thinks that I am literally too fat to live.** This remote trainer lives on the other end of the country and is happily married. He seemed like a safe choice.

** True story: when I got a physical a couple months ago, the nurse gave me this dismissive look and snarkily said, “oh, your blood pressure is going to be high, isn’t it?” I rolled my eyes and replied that the last time I’d gone to the doctor it was because my blood pressure was too low. She actually checked my blood pressure twice and verbally confirmed with me that 90/60 is normal for me. Yeah, despite my physical baggage, I’m stupidly healthy in every other way (so long as I don’t have to stand up too quickly).

*** I didn’t have health insurance in 2015 because I adhd’d my way out of it. Ironically. Only having one time per year to sign up is not awesome for those of us who are terrible with deadlines due to how our brains are wired. But hey, welcome to 2016, where I have health insurance AND ADHD medication. 😀