I’ve tried to write this a half-dozen times. Here’s short version since it’s late and I need to go to bed.

I’m bisexual and I feel like I am constantly walking out of the closet since most people read me as hetero.

The mass murder in Orlando on Sunday morning has left me feeling broken and deeply sad.

I’m not an ally of the LGBTQ community, I’m in it. In the quiet section in the back since bisexuals aren’t well-regarded (they say that we won’t commit or are more likely to cheat or aren’t as committed to the community since we also have a foot in the straight world).

The mass murder in Orlando on Sunday morning has left me feeling alone.

When the posts rolled in about the call for blood for the surviving victims, I dropped my head and scrolled on. I have dated bisexual men, so as a woman who has had sex with men who have had sex with men, I am banned for life from donating blood.* My straight self prevented my gay self from helping my community.

The mass murder in Orlando on Sunday morning has left me feeling shame.

I haven’t read about the victims yet. Just seeing posts about the lists of names and the tweets with pictures causes tears to fall. I am on Facebook obsessively, while wanting to avoid it entirely. When I read too much, my head just aches. So I alternate Facebook with marathoning TV shows I’d been meaning to watch this year.

The mass murder in Orlando on Sunday morning has left me (wanting to be) feeling numb.

I was stoked when my Q friend tweeted that large rainbow flags were sold out/out of stock on Amazon. A B friend’s hunt for rainbow gradient yarn had me hunting the same on Etsy and my fave online yarn store. Given my rarely used and tiny outdoor space and my wool allergy (which eliminates a LOT of handpainted/verigated/gradient yarns), I ultimately ordered a t-shirt whose proceeds would be donated to charity to help in Orlando.

The mass murder in Orlando on Sunday morning has left me in need of retail therapy, and then with the barrage of guilt that follows tragedy-based shopping.

I research, it’s what I do. It’s why I can’t stop reading these posts that drive me tears and actual, out loud sobbing. I am the subject I know best, so as I read about this club and what happened (and I will eventually get to the names to match with the photos of the victims), I start wondering how long it’s been since I’ve been out dancing (too long), since I’ve been out dancing at a gay club (way too long), how long it’s been since I tried to interact with the community as a whole (sigh). I start questioning where exactly I fall on the Kinsey scale and if my feelings are even valid (of course they are). I wonder if I should try harder to appear less straight (how does that even work). I wonder if I should just try to add more rainbows to my daily life. I wonder if I should just further shove this aspect of my life out of sight; most people think I’m straight, maybe I should just pretend to be.

The mass murder in Orlando on Sunday has left me questioning the role of my sexual identity in my life.

This event has shadowed my week and has pulled all sorts of threads. I am not sure I’m done processing it. Definitely not done grieving it. 103 victims; 50 dead, 53 wounded. I don’t think I’ll ever forget it.

Even when your heels hurt, and you can feel the blisters forming, and that one spacially-unaware chick’s purse keeps hitting you, and your crush isn’t texting you back (fast enough), and your drink spills, and all else, there’s so much joy on a dance floor. There’s so much joy in dancing, eye candy, eye flirting, meeting new people, when your crush shows up, kissing new people, finding new favorite songs, making up silly toasts, reveling in old favorites, and all else. There is this delicious, peaceful-yet-powerful, safe feeling when these things happen in a gay club.

The mass murder in Orlando on Sunday morning has stepped all over my hope.


Posts to remember:
LaMonte M. Fowler from February 22nd:
Jen Hatmaker on June 14:

*While the FDA has altered the lifetime ban to 12 months of abstinence, afaik, that’s not yet an option in my area.