I’ve tried to write this a half-dozen times. Here’s short version since it’s late and I need to go to bed.

I’m bisexual and I feel like I am constantly walking out of the closet since most people read me as hetero.

The mass murder in Orlando on Sunday morning has left me feeling broken and deeply sad.

I’m not an ally of the LGBTQ community, I’m in it. In the quiet section in the back since bisexuals aren’t well-regarded (they say that we won’t commit or are more likely to cheat or aren’t as committed to the community since we also have a foot in the straight world).

The mass murder in Orlando on Sunday morning has left me feeling alone.

When the posts rolled in about the call for blood for the surviving victims, I dropped my head and scrolled on. I have dated bisexual men, so as a woman who has had sex with men who have had sex with men, I am banned for life from donating blood.* My straight self prevented my gay self from helping my community.

The mass murder in Orlando on Sunday morning has left me feeling shame.

I haven’t read about the victims yet. Just seeing posts about the lists of names and the tweets with pictures causes tears to fall. I am on Facebook obsessively, while wanting to avoid it entirely. When I read too much, my head just aches. So I alternate Facebook with marathoning TV shows I’d been meaning to watch this year.

The mass murder in Orlando on Sunday morning has left me (wanting to be) feeling numb.

I was stoked when my Q friend tweeted that large rainbow flags were sold out/out of stock on Amazon. A B friend’s hunt for rainbow gradient yarn had me hunting the same on Etsy and my fave online yarn store. Given my rarely used and tiny outdoor space and my wool allergy (which eliminates a LOT of handpainted/verigated/gradient yarns), I ultimately ordered a t-shirt whose proceeds would be donated to charity to help in Orlando.

The mass murder in Orlando on Sunday morning has left me in need of retail therapy, and then with the barrage of guilt that follows tragedy-based shopping.

I research, it’s what I do. It’s why I can’t stop reading these posts that drive me tears and actual, out loud sobbing. I am the subject I know best, so as I read about this club and what happened (and I will eventually get to the names to match with the photos of the victims), I start wondering how long it’s been since I’ve been out dancing (too long), since I’ve been out dancing at a gay club (way too long), how long it’s been since I tried to interact with the community as a whole (sigh). I start questioning where exactly I fall on the Kinsey scale and if my feelings are even valid (of course they are). I wonder if I should try harder to appear less straight (how does that even work). I wonder if I should just try to add more rainbows to my daily life. I wonder if I should just further shove this aspect of my life out of sight; most people think I’m straight, maybe I should just pretend to be.

The mass murder in Orlando on Sunday has left me questioning the role of my sexual identity in my life.

This event has shadowed my week and has pulled all sorts of threads. I am not sure I’m done processing it. Definitely not done grieving it. 103 victims; 50 dead, 53 wounded. I don’t think I’ll ever forget it.

Even when your heels hurt, and you can feel the blisters forming, and that one spacially-unaware chick’s purse keeps hitting you, and your crush isn’t texting you back (fast enough), and your drink spills, and all else, there’s so much joy on a dance floor. There’s so much joy in dancing, eye candy, eye flirting, meeting new people, when your crush shows up, kissing new people, finding new favorite songs, making up silly toasts, reveling in old favorites, and all else. There is this delicious, peaceful-yet-powerful, safe feeling when these things happen in a gay club.

The mass murder in Orlando on Sunday morning has stepped all over my hope.


Posts to remember:
LaMonte M. Fowler from February 22nd:
Jen Hatmaker on June 14:

*While the FDA has altered the lifetime ban to 12 months of abstinence, afaik, that’s not yet an option in my area.

How to kill sugar cravings.

So before I give you these answers, I’m going to share this story from about 2002. I thought it’d be cool to go see a naturopath who had listed allergies and adhd as issues she treated. Pretty much from the moment she saw me, she was insistent that I had an overgrowth of yeast in my system. She recommended The Yeast Connection Handbook (mine was the less attractive 2001 version). I read it, it seemed like the answers to all my problems. The hinderance is that the diet in the book is essentially meat, vegetables, and beans.* Which is hella boring.

So I was looking for other ways to eat less sugar and stumbled my way into these supplements. They are definitely super helpful. As I share them, remember that I am not a doctor, I’m not even a naturopath. Do not substitute anything in this post for medical advice. Or legal advice. Or general life advice. Always follow label direction. Do your own research. Use your common sense. I’m not liable for your actions.

Oh yeah, so the reason I want to kill sugar in my body is because that’s what yeast eats. So, your intestines are pretty gross. They are full of things like yeast, sugar, tons of bacteria, and who knows what else. Yeast needs sugar to live. So when you eat less sugar, yeast will drive the cravings for sugar because hey, it’s just trying to survive. Kill the yeast, kill the sugar, kill the cravings.

Oh, right, so taking these supplements may alter your bathroom activities as they all effect your intestines. Bodies are unique and weird,  I have no idea what yours might do, and pretty please don’t share these details with me.

Olive Leaf** – yeast murderer!*** Hero.

Caprylic Acid – yeast murderer! Hero the 2nd. Part of coconut oil.

L-Glutamine – intestinal repair people, secondary casting, never given enough credit. Yes, it’s the amino acid that’s part of protein. It’s great for muscles, blah blah blah. It is important today because yeast is terrible and damages the body and l-glutamine is the person you call when you evict yeast and have a look around after its gone. Because yeast is definitely not getting their damage deposit back.

Digestive Enzymes – the good kids used in all the examples. minor casting. they help restore the intestine to where they should have been all along, if only yeast had never shown up and tried to take over.

Now I use an enzyme formula from my essential oil company so I linked to one I’ve used in the past. If you want in on what I use currently, just send an email to – I solemnly swear to only ever send one email in reply (unless you have questions, which I’m happy to answer), and I will never share your email with anyone. Because that’s the kind of girl I am, totally selfish with email addresses.

For funsies, I also add probiotics to the list as well. Because I want to fill my gross intestines with healthy flora so there’s less room for the bad ish. I actually prefer to buy these in store from whatever natural/healthy food store that keeps them in at least a refridgerated case. Live, good bacteria, live!

The list of supplements I share the other day is one of things I’m trying or going to try shortly. This list is all stuff I’ve used before successfully. If you have questions about them, fire away. I hope its helpful to you.

*Ironically, this is also the basic diet in the 4-Hour Body, which I’ve done a few times and adored the results. However, back in the day, it was an unrealistic horror show.

**All Amazon links are affiliate links because I too would like to be a blogger posting from Tahiti. For your convenience, they all open in their own tab. They are for the most part exactly what I use.

***Read yeast murderer as anti-fungal. I like to play with the English language.

Supplements for insulin & IGF-1 function, fat loss

For me, I’m specifically interested in natural ways to help my body perform optimally. As I research things, I think I will probably start posting them since I’m not the only one who is interested in these topics. Also, this makes them easier for me to find when I need to revisit them. 😉 Affiliate Amazon links because I like money and you might want the instant gratification of immediately finding a source. For the most part, I selected supplement brands I’ve used successfully in the past.

NOTE: I’m not a doctor, this is not medical advice. It is also not legal advice. Do not take it as such. Do your own research, follow label directions. Do not use in place of common sense. Talk to your doctor before doing anything based on anything you’ve found on the internet, including this post. I am not liable for your actions.

My goals are less about specifically fat burning (but hey, I don’t mind a little of that action!), and more about increasing satiety and decreasing sugar cravings.

African Mango Seed Extract – increases leptin, one of the satiety hormones. For me, leptin = <3.

Chromium Picolinate – 1,000mcg – improves insulin’s efficiency.

Cinnamon – helps modulate blood sugar (always look for Ceylon cinnamon as it has the lowest levels of coumarin (which in high doses can cause liver failure))

Forskolin – little helper with fat burning (start of a long process)

Green Coffee Bean Extract – lowers blood sugar (who knows, Dr Oz may have gotten something right)

Rhodiola rosea – decreases the stress hormone cortisol, which likes to shove all fat in the belly area.

I know everyone loves to go on about raspberry ketones, but from what I’ve found, you’d need like literal tons of it to be effective in humans. But hey, good job with the rats.

I know green tea/egcg is also hella popular but it’s not been very effective with me in the past so idgaf about finding a supplement for it. And I say that as a person who adores green tea. If you’re looking to drink green tea, Honest Tea Honey Green Tea is my fave. If you want to brew it, go to Wegman’s and scoop some sakura sencha (those are dried cherry blossoms, you’re welcome).